I read the question and answer on masturbation in At The Well, MM Feb 2024. My wife has medical issues, therefore she’s okay with it. I do only think of her in this. But we’ve talked about it, and she wants me to leave her alone about it. Help.
Benny says
Dear Mr B,
(Readers, please refer to this post from the February 2024 issue for more context.)
As you mentioned, she is “okay with it” which I take to mean that she is okay if you find some personal physical and psychological relief through masturbation. This I surmise reflects her understanding of your needs and is a demonstration of her love for you. I hope that this decision does not reflect any sense of personal failure on her part. The fact that it stems from a medical problem may help reduce any unnecessary guilt. The inability to satisfy one’s partner’s needs may weigh heavily on a relationship as it goes to the core of what many believe is the purpose of a marriage—that we are there to love and support one another.
Your question may resonate with many couples, who, for various reasons may find their sexual lives declining or stopping altogether. If this is so, it is good, although somewhat awkward, to talk with each other about this. Such conversations may provide greater clarification and relief. In some situations, the lack of sexual desire may be medically related and a visit to a physician may be called for.
You further added that “she wants me to leave her alone about it”, which I take to mean that she may feel somewhat uncomfortable and would prefer to be left out of it. As masturbation is an act of stimulating oneself, her active involvement may not be necessary. However, I do wonder if her reservation reflects some inner inhibition felt towards the subject of sex. Many raised with more conservative views and values or those who may have had traumatic experiences linked to sexual intimacy may find it hard to approach this topic. If couples desire to deepen their sexual lives but face emotional, psychological and even physical hindrances, they may consider consulting a sex therapist.
Finally, discussing an important and personal topic like this is not complete without acknowledging the critical foundation of love that must permeate all marriages. It is easy to be loving and accommodating to each other when our needs are met and when there are no major conflicts and disagreements. But when our needs are not met, does it mean we stop loving? In such times, the dominant emotion may be disappointment, frustration or even anger. However, we can still practise patience and love, or to be more exact, sacrificial love, towards each other. You are right to think that this matter is beyond ourselves. How true it is that we then must rely on the font of all love for God’s help.
