I am in my 40s and married with teenage children. My mother passed away from illness about six months ago. Recently, I found out that my 75-year-old father is dating a foreign lady who is younger than me. He introduced her to us at a family dinner and privately told us that that he plans to let her move into our family home. He then asked me to clear out my old room so she could move her things in. I was very angry and upset. I also do not feel comfortable with this lady, and I feel suspicious of her. I expressed caution to my father, but he is totally caught up with her. I understand my father is grieving, lonely and seeks companionship, but I want to protect him from being taken advantage of.
Benny says
Dear Suspicious,
The situation that you have presented is a confluence of several different concerns. Firstly, your grieving father may be seeking comfort and companionship from this woman. Secondly, there is the concern that this young woman may be taking advantage of your father at a vulnerable time. Thirdly, not only has this new person replaced your deceased mother, she also seems at risk of displacing you in the home. Fourthly, having someone enter your lives soon after your mother’s passing seems to be an affront to the memory of your mother.
I wonder if there is any opportunity to raise your concerns with your father in a calm and supportive manner. Understandably, such conversations can be very difficult between a father and his children. In such instances, using intermediaries like uncles or aunties, or even a senior pastor or church leader, may be another way of broaching this delicate topic.
If the new woman in his life proves herself to be a benevolent figure, she might be persuaded to slow down any integration with the family and move in only much later, to allow for greater family harmony.
In the meantime, the family, including yourself, should take steps to celebrate the memory of your late mother. The recollection and celebration of her life, and the appropriate grieving, may allow the family to have better closure of one chapter before another is opened.
