My mother’s family is very controlling. When she died, they even exerted influence and control over my father’s finances. After many years of therapy and counselling, I managed to cut ties completely with my mother’s family for the sake of my sanity as they were making unreasonable demands. How do I reconcile my forgiveness and not feel guilty about not maintaining any contact with my mum’s family?
Ai Jin says
Dear Manndy,
Consider Colossians 3:13 (NIV) which says, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” Perhaps if you know what forgiveness could actually mean, it is possible for you to “bear with” your mother’s family.
Forgiveness does not mean we excuse others of their wrong behaviour or simply dismiss the hurt. It means recognising the wrong that is done and acknowledging the feelings of hurt. We can then make a choice to release the offences and persons whom have hurt us to God, and ask God to give us the divine ability and grace to do so. Although this takes time, it is important that we move forward without resentment, bitterness or hatred in our hearts. Ask God to provide healing and peace.
Every person has a boundary line to be respected, one that defines where you end and where others begin. You are responsible for your feelings, thoughts, preferences and the choices you make. While others can make unreasonable demands, their ability to control you or “make you do their bidding” stops at this boundary line. This means asserting yourself in conversations with them, refusing to allow them to have their way, reducing contact times and making them brief as you safeguard your emotional wellbeing. Family ties are perpetual and cannot be broken, so you do not need to feel guilty.
