My 17-year-old child has gender dysphoria. As my husband and I are Christians, we have tried our best to share with her about what the Bible says about sexuality and at the same time show her love and acceptance. She has pleaded with us to allow her to go for a sex change surgery and because we refused, she has become distraught and engages in self-harm. Our relationship with her has become very strained. We brought her to see a counsellor but the sessions end up as heated arguments because she will not accept our views and feels that we are imposing our Christian beliefs on her. As parents, we are at our wits’ end. It pains us to see her struggle mentally and emotionally. We also struggle with guilt and wonder how things have turned out this way.
Joey says
Dear Help,
It’s very difficult for you as a parent to see your child struggle with her gender identity and with self-harm. It is not going to be an easy journey. The first thing to do is to find support for yourselves. Many parents in similar situations will not want to share what they are going through. But having a group of godly counsellors will help you make wise decisions (Proverbs 11:14). For a start, speak to your pastor. The Truelove.is website also has resources and a helpline you may find useful.
You mentioned that you struggle with guilt. Please know that your daughter’s gender dysphoria is a complex situation that goes beyond what you did or did not do. However, if your daughter raises past hurts for which you need to take responsibility, ask for forgiveness and make amends.
It is also clear that your daughter is hurting. One important thing to do is to show compassion. Listen to her with the intention to understand what she is going through (rather than to correct) and sympathise with her struggles. It is concerning that she is engaging in self-harm. Try to convince her to speak to a counsellor she is comfortable with to help her manage her mental health, and if possible, do a suicide assessment.
As a teenager, she is trying to figure out her identity, and the current cultural milieu does not help. There may also be emotional factors at play here. All these add to the confusion that your daughter will need help sorting through. Acknowledge her desire for gender reassignment but encourage her to take time (think: years) to consider this. You can come from the angle of, “Gender transition is a big, life-changing decision. It would be wise to go slow, and take the time to really think this through together.” In this time, learn about gender dysphoria together. Have conversations to help her clarify what are her thoughts and what are external factors (e.g. culture) acting on her. The reality is that when she turns 21, she will legally be able to make the decision without parental consent. So, between now and then, position yourself as a guide to help her think this through, rather than coming across as an authority figure whose objections she needs to overcome. This will hopefully help relieve some of the tension in the relationship.
As you journey with your daughter, it will be important for you hold on to both grace and truth. The grace will help her to know that you and God still love her unconditionally, and the truth will keep her safe. It’s difficult to straddle truth and grace, and your daughter will most likely challenge your position. For example, your child may feel that you are choosing God over her. However, the choice is not between loving her (by supporting her transition) and loving God (by not supporting her transition). To love her fully means trusting that God’s design for her and following God’s plans for her is what will ultimately lead to her thriving. It may mean saying something like, “We love you, and we are not trying to impose our beliefs on you. We believe that God loves you, has a good plan for you, and the greatest joy is found in God. We want that for you.” You’ll need a lot of wisdom to navigate such conversations: staying close to God and having godly counsellors will be essential.
The good news is that even when we are far from God, God loves us and his love pursues us to bring us back onto the right path (Luke 15:11-32, Romans 5:8-9, Psalm 139:7-12). God loves your daughter. One of the ways that she will feel God’s love will be through you, and that is important for your relationship and her well-being. But ultimately it is her relationship with God that will guide her to make the right decision. When she is captivated by God’s love, she will—of her own volition and with joy—do what is right in the eyes of God. So, gently point her back towards relationship with God, if possible, and pray for her. Most importantly, do not despair: God will never leave nor forsake your daughter, and your relationship with your daughter can improve.
