As far as I can remember, my parents had a difficult marriage. They never divorced but stayed together for the sake of their children. They would quarrel very often and complain about each other to my siblings and me. They would not speak to each other for many days and would ask us to pass messages on their behalf. As children, we did as we were told. However, the pattern continues today even when I am married and have moved out. My father calls me to vent his frustration with my mother and asks me to speak to her on his behalf. I have told him several times that this is a matter between him and my mother and not to get the children involved. However, I can see that he is very troubled and has no one else to vent his frustration to. By continuing to listen to him and trying to mediate with my mother, am I really helping the situation or encouraging a wrong pattern of behaviour? My parents are not Christian.
Benny says
Dear Hello Kitty,
Your parents’ quarrels could be historical and may be about issues that even predate the arrival of any of the children. For some inexplicable reason, seniors seem to have anability to recall these conflicts and have a desire to “resolve” them. When their attempts fail, they often draw in their children to support them.
You would have noticed I used the inverted commas for the word resolve. This is because resolution can take several forms. One is to have the other party agree completely with them and offer an unreserved apology or to try to make amends. Another is to offer an explanation followed by an apology. A third resolution is to agree to disagree. How this may be a resolution is when each party believes that they each are right but acknowledge that there are other important things in remaining as the status quo. With some couples in a long-term relationship, the “glue” that has kept them together (for example, to raise the children) is no longer relevant. With such couples, it may be that recognising their own imperfections and faults and recalling how each have struggled to get to where they are now, can help.
What can you do? Firstly, listen and try to be understanding. You may not agree with all that has been said. But you can agree or at least acknowledge the emotions of the other. Try your best to not act as a spokesperson. Secondly, help them to focus on the positives in their lives, e.g. the grandchildren. Thirdly, look at some possible reasons that may be adding to the senior’s emotional state, e.g. concerns about money, declining health, loss of relationships, etc. Addressing these concerns may help improve their quality of life. Finally, some adult children attempt to act as grievance arbitrators. This may only work if both parents see you as someone they respect or fear. Other children try to get a neutral third party like pastors or counsellors to counsel and reason with them. Such efforts generally see only temporary benefit if any. This is because most of our parents have grown up with the idea that the endurance of hardship is more prized than its resolution.
Free yourself of the need to help your parents resolve their problems and live more harmoniously. Focus more on your relationship as a dutiful daughter and not as their counsellor.
